


Existential Crisis (But You Were Waiting For Me at the End)

by blinking_post



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Character Study, Crack Premise That Isn't Actually Crack, Established Relationship, Existential Crisis, Light Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-27
Updated: 2016-03-27
Packaged: 2018-05-29 13:39:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6377875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blinking_post/pseuds/blinking_post
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>He’s not really sure why he wanted it in the first place.  He’s not particular about his furniture, not like Top-hyung.  He couldn’t care less about arrangement or aesthetics or about how it’s all art because whatever.  Furniture is furniture.  So yeah, this chair might not be the best looking or the sturdiest but it’s the only thing that has caught his eye in this whole damn place and so he had thought, “Hey, why not?  I’m rich.  I can totally throw money at this thing.”</i>
</p><p>
  <i>But Top-hyung had given it a quick, barely there glance and then said, “No.”  Decision made.  No appeal.  Granted it’s not a very good looking chair.  Still, he wanted it and now well, now he’s devastated.  Over a stupid chair.  Over just pieces of wood nailed and glued together.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Existential Crisis (But You Were Waiting For Me at the End)

**Author's Note:**

> So the premise came about because I told a friend I could make anything angsty, to which she said, "Even when they are furniture shopping?" basically telling me I couldn't make furniture shopping angsty so I made furniture shopping angsty =D.

\----

 

Seungri isn’t built for relationships. He gets that.  The group knows this. Top-hyung too.  Hell, probably the whole of Korea and Japan gets that too.  Yet here he is furniture shopping with Top-hyung because for some God-forsaken reason what started out as a bit of fun to relieve stress during a busy schedule has stumbled into something that resembles a mostly stable _you make me want to rip my hair out sometimes because you drive me insane in the worst and best ways_ relationship.  So, you know, it’s going pretty good.  Especially by his standards.  So good in fact that he’s moving in.  As in living together.  In the same space.  With another person.  The next step, if you will.  It’s not that he doesn’t practically live at Top-hyung’s place already.  Because he was.  Totally.  His clothes are scattered everywhere.  But it will be official now.  Official.  As in he won’t have his name on another lease.  As in he won’t have his own place to run off to anymore.

 

So he wasn’t freaking out before.  He kind of is now though. Now that they’re here he’s freaking out like there’s no tomorrow.  And it’s not even the _oh my God I'm in a committed relationship_ kind of a freaking out.  That kind of freaking out and panicking he could have handled on his own.  Sure, it would have taken a phone call to Jiyong or Youngbae while he hides in a bathroom stall to resolve it, but he would have.  They would have talked him down from running away or doing something equally, if not more, stupid.  They would have reminded that hey, he’s kind of crazy about Top-hyung.  Crazy.  As in actual love.  As in _hey, please don't leave me because I would fall apart without you._

 

Yeah.

 

That kind of freaking out he could have handled on his own, thank you very much.  This is something else though.  This is him standing in front of a stupid, probably rickety, definitely old chair feeling devastated because all he’s thinking as he looks at it is, “God, that’s me.”

 

He’s that stupid, freaking old rickety chair.

 

He’s not really sure why he wanted it in the first place.  He’s not particular about his furniture, not like Top-hyung.  He couldn’t care less about arrangement or aesthetics or about how it’s all art because whatever.  Furniture is furniture.  So yeah, this chair might not be the best looking or the sturdiest but it’s the only thing that has caught his eye in this whole damn place and so he had thought, “Hey, why not?  I’m rich.  I can totally throw money at this thing.”

 

But Top-hyung had given it a quick, barely there glance and then said, “No.”  Decision made.  No appeal.  Granted it’s not a very good looking chair.  Still, he wanted it and now well, now he’s devastated.  Over a stupid chair.  Over just pieces of wood nailed and glued together.

 

See, there was a reason why he suggested furniture shopping in the first place.  Seungri’s not built for relationships.  He knows that.  He’s never been in one long enough to be fully committed.  To fight and argue and have the person hurt him so much he thought he was breaking because when the fun wass gone well, then it was over.  What was the point of staying beyond that?  He’s still not sure but Top-hyung is the first person he wants to try with, to stay with beyond the honeymoon period and build something together.

 

Build something.   _Together_.  Like a _home_.

 

It hadn’t really hit him at first.  He didn’t even really notice it, not when they were packing his apartment and most of his stuff was going to storage because Top-hyung didn’t like his eclectic collection of mismatched chairs and and tables and couches.  That was fine by him.  His friends and family can sort through all of it later and take what they want.  The rest could be sold or tossed for all he cared because more than anything he just wanted his apartment packed and be done with it.  Moving sucked especially since he didn’t realize how much stuff he actually had.

 

What that means now, a few weeks after the fact, is that he hardly has anything beyond his clothes.

 

It’s all starting to feel like he’s slotting himself into Top-hyung’s life rather than the two of them making something together, home included, so he thought that maybe, _maybe_ , if they went and bought things together he could fix it before it becomes a thing.  It’s becoming a thing.  He doesn’t see how it won’t now, especially since he’s feeling lost and confused and wondering just who he has turned into.   _Is_ turning into.

 

So maybe it’s a stretch to say that this chair is him.  Or he this chair.  It represents only parts of him, parts that Top-hyung doesn’t particularly like.  The “bad” parts if you will, being chipped away so he can fit easier into Top-hyung’s condo and habits and lifestyle.

 

He used to drop everything on a dime and hop into planes that took him to Singapore and Hawaii and Taiwan with friends, with people he barely knew, as they partied from country to country.

 

He used to go clubbing until five in the morning, loved the feel of bass vibrating against his skin, amping him up and up and up, nerves sizzling to life when there’s nothing but him and the music.

 

He used to drive too fast on empty stretches of road to experience freedom and the wind in his hair because sometimes it feels like the only peace he’s able to get.

 

He used to party too hard and drank too much because hey, then he could forget all the eyes on him.  He loves being an idol.  A singer.  Whatever.  He loves his fans and loves the way they adore him and he adores them that much in return but sometimes he just wants to be another twenty-five-year-old making dumb life choices.

 

He doesn’t do any of those things anymore, not really.  Can’t remember the last time he did and it’s not because he stopped enjoying the club beat thumping along with his heart or the feel of freedom against his face, the breeze rustling through his hair.  It’s not that he doesn’t miss feeling normal for half a night.  He stopped because Top-hyung didn’t enjoy it anymore, not in the way he used to when they were all so much younger.  Now he’s inching closer and closer to thirty and finally settled into something much calmer, something that makes him happier, and it sure isn’t driving too fast or hanging out in clubs with people he barely knows until three or four in the morning.

  
  


Seungri had trimmed those parts of himself away slowly, gradually, until it felt almost natural.  It wasn’t a hard decision but it was hardly consciously made.  He wanted to spend more time with Top-hyung just the two of them.  No managers.  No schedule.  No band members.  No Yang Hyun Suk breathing down their necks.  He wanted to spend more time with Top-hyung and he told himself there was always going to be another day, another sunrise to come.  Clubbing and traveling and Hawaii and L.A. and Thailand, they’ll still be there tomorrow waiting for him.  His friends too because surely they would understand.  So he kept brushing it off, kept turning down invitations until his life became this thing he doesn’t even really recognize anymore.  Now instead of going Hawaii or Vegas or Singapore to feel the sun warm against his back he lazes around Top-hyung’s condo drinking too much wine and eating pretentiously small portions of food for way too much money.

 

Now it’s all suddenly crashing down on him, washing over him all at once.  He’d lost so much of himself, so much of the things he used to love doing, _still_ loves to do.  So who is he now?  Who is he turning into?  What is his life becoming?  Does he want this?  Does he want lazy days lying around Top-hyung’s condo or going to museums to stare at stupid colors plastered on canvases in silence?  Is this an existential crisis?  It is, isn’t it?  Of course it is.  Of course he would have one standing in front of a chair.  Of course he would.

 

So what does he do?

 

When they get home he tells Top-hyung he’s going out for a walk and at first that’s just it, a walk, but the next thing he knows he’s on the next plane to Japan without anything but the clothes on his pack, his passport, and his wallet.  He leaves his phone at home, left forgotten on the dresser next to his side of the bed.  He figures if he needs one he’ll pick up a burner.

 

He doesn’t tell anyone.  Not a single word to his boyfriend or manager or to YG because these are his days off and if he wants to go to another country then God-dammit, he’s going to go to another country.  If he wants to hang out with some friends he hasn’t seen in too long and party until he’s cross-eyed with pretty models (in a strictly professional way) then he’s going to do that too.  He’s not a kid anymore.  He doesn’t need to report his every step to anyone.

 

He stays in Japan for a total of three days. He has dinner with Taka and Takeru and after they go clubbing with Shirota and Shirota brings people he hasn’t met before but by the end of the night they’re all friends.  He loves this.  Loves meeting new people.  Loves making new friends.  They drink too much and have too much fun but he’s able to let loose, and when he stumbles back to his hotel room at four in the morning he feels content sprawled out on his king-sized bed.

 

Day four he hops onto a plane on its way to Thailand.  The weather is warm and humid, the sun nice against his back.  He lounges around the hotel, inviting some friends over as they drink and eat leisurely next to the pool area before going in for a dip, the water cool and refreshing.  In the middle of the night he reaches over but there’s nothing there.

 

He enjoys himself there too, except there’s something nagging the back of his mind, whispering to him all day long until he’s on his side of the bed at night, staring up at the ceiling.  Then it becomes the only thing he can think about.  He wonders if Top-hyung is worried, if Top-hyung knows that he’s okay from all the people tweeting and instagramming about him.  His manager, and YG by extension, must have clued themselves in by now but Top-hyung isn’t really good with social media and technology.  He knows how to half work instagram but that’s about it.  He can’t figure out his phone more than half the time either.  It leaves him tossing and turning.

 

It’s not that he doesn’t have fun because honestly he has a blast.  It’s that he’s never had anyone to really miss him before.

 

He’s never had anyone to miss either.

 

And he does have someone to miss now.  When he’s alone at night that’s when it eats at him, one molecule at a time.  After two weeks, maybe it’s time to go back home.

  
  
  


The first thing he sees when he makes it home is that stupid, ugly chair waiting for him in the living room.  It’s ridiculous how ugly it is and it hardly fits with anything in Top-hyung’s condo but it fills him with so much love and affection because Top-hyung.  That idiot.  How does he know these things?  How does he get Seungri so easily?

 

The second thing he sees is Top-hyung out on the patio sucking in a drag of his cigarette as he watches the sun sink down across the horizon, wind blowing his hair out of place.  He’s clad in a light blue button down, long sleeves rolled up to his elbows, one hand in the pockets of his black slack and he looks so gorgeous standing there with his broad shoulders and long, lean lines extending from his neck all the way down to his sock-clad feet.

 

He doesn’t know if Top-hyung knows he’s back yet, if he heard all the commotion Seungri had created but he doesn’t jump when Seungri hooks a chin over his shoulder, the lengths of their bodies pressed together, his hands on Top-hyung’s narrow hips.

 

“Thank you,” he says into Top-hyung’s ear, feels him shiver the slightest even in the warm evening air.

 

Top-hyung doesn’t say anything.  He exhales, expelling thin, wispy smoke, and then he turns his head around and catches Seungri’s mouth in a kiss, firm, there and reassuring.  The kiss drags on, slow and languid, reaffirming. How much time passes he’s not sure but rather than the bright orange it was before, the sky is a bruised blue and purple when they end it.  Really, sometimes he doesn’t want to do anything but kiss Top-hyung all day while time passes by around them.

 

Maybe that's it.  Maybe it's not about giving up things he used to love, still loves doing.  Maybe it's not about choosing one or the other or being together all the time.  Top-hyung gets that and Seungri's just the idiot who didn't.  They're two different people.  They enjoy doing different thing, have fun in different ways but that doesn't mean they don't love each other.  And he does.  He loves Top-hyung so much he doesn't know what he would do if he didn't have this anymore.

 

“Did you have fun?”  Top-hyung asks him when the stars starts peeking out.

 

“Yeah,” he says, a soft smile gracing his face.  “I did.”

 

“I’m glad.”  He looks it too.  There’s no resentment, no anger.  In a tiny voice, he asks, “Can you just um…” Seungri hears the hesitation but he keeps to quiet, wants Top-hyung to finish.  “Can you take your phone?  I don’t like not being able to reach you.  I… worry.”

 

All the air rushes out of his lungs, leaves him guilty and breathless.  “Of course,” he forces out.  “I’m so sorry.”

 

“It’s okay.  You had things you needed to work out.”

 

Seungri kisses him then, puts into it all his feelings, the want and the love and the affection.  The unsaid  _I never stopped missing you._   Everything.  Top-hyung is _everything_ to him.

 

After, when they’re making their way back into their home hand in hand, he asks, “The chair?”

 

“It’s not so bad,” Top-hyung says all the while unable to actually look at him.

 

He laughs, sees right through the lie.  “It’s so ugly,” he says even as he runs his fingers along the arm affectionately.

 

Top-hyung winces.  “Yeah, but it’s yours so it’s okay.  I want it here.”

 

He looks up, catches Top-hyung’s eyes, breath stuck in his throat.  This is probably why they work so well.  This is probably why he loves Top-hyung so much.  Top-hyung understands him better than anyone and takes him exactly as he is, wants him the way he is, flaws and all.

 

So maybe Seungri isn’t built for relationships.  But that doesn’t mean he can’t make one work.  Or that he doesn't want to try for the right person.   In fact, he’s really trying to make one work right now.  It's going pretty well, he’d say.

 

He squeezes Top-hyung’s hand and Top-hyung squeezes back.

 

Yeah, they’re gonna be okay.

 

He still laughs every time he catches Top-hyung glaring at his chair when he thinks Seungri isn't looking.

  
\----

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed~! Honestly, for reasons I don't understand very well, I'm losing confidence in my fics, especially the Topri ones. Maybe because the fandom is so small that I'm starting to feel self-conscious? I feel like I'm definitely flooding the fandom at least.
> 
> Anyhow, comments and kudos are very much appreciated.
> 
> Thank you for reading =)


End file.
